i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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