i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
