I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
