she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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