we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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