saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
