Porn is love you can see.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
