Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
