Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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