i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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