Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
