I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
