drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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