I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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