Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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