I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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