i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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