im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
