I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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