I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Be still, my beating vagina.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
