Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just found a bag of teeth...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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