Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
