If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
