This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
