i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
