I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Reggie can tackle my bush.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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