ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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