Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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