I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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