I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
