Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
