Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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