Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
