I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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