Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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