I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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