I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
