listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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