Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
