it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
