2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
