i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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