guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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