I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
