My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
