i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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