You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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