i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
