i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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