i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
