Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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