Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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