i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I want her autograph on my taint
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
