It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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