I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
