i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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