So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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