i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I bet he comes in French.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
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