We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
