I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
