EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
